Very Bad News

After 4 years of TTC.  We finally got our BFP via IVF.  We were so excited.  We had all these plans to decorate the nursery, announce on facebook, enjoy Halloween while pregnant.  I was looking forward to growing a big baby belly.  DH and I discussed names and we SO excited to be parents together...  Now it's all over. 

 

We went in for our 7 week ultrasound yesterday and there was no heartbeat.  We are broken. 


I'm angry.  I feel SO inferior to friends who have children and/or are pregnant.  I feel like I have no one to turn to because no one understands what this feels like.  I have been isolating myself from people who care about me because I just can't face them, they don't understand me or my feelings and they don't know what I am going through.  There is nothing anyone can say to make this pain go away.  I am in a hell. 

How the hell am I supposed to decide to physically scrape my baby out or allow my body to scrape it?  Either way, it was a baby and my heart aches for my baby.  I waited patiently for this baby and now I have nothing.  My dreams are shattered.  I allowed myself to be happy; I let my guard down for this baby and what a lesson I have learned.

How did I get here again? 

5 weeks!

Pregnant!!

Hello friends!

It's been a while but I wanted to update you all. I tested with a pregnancy test a tad early (woops!) and shockingly was positive!

Both blood tests came out good! HCG levels are rising. Slowly but rising. I am eating lots of protein!

Rob and I have been shopping for nursery furniture already! So much fun!

Don't get me wrong, I have days where I am scared as heck that I will lose this little bubsie but friends have helped me along and for now, taking it day by day! I'm trying to enjoy this while I can!

Muah! Happiest I have been my whole life is right now.

PUPO!

Hi friends!  Sorry for my delay...  We had 10 eggs fertilize!  We decided to transfer 2 embryos and we had 3 to freeze!

 

I am officially 3dp5dt!!  (3 days past a 5 day transfer) which means I am PUPO!  Pregnant unless proven otherwise.  Woohoo!  I had 2 days of bed rest which was nice day 1 and then it grew old.  I cannot thank my bestie named Emily for creating 2 fabulous meals for us while I was on bed rest.  She's a saint!!!  Love her.

 

 

Here are our two embryo-babies. 

Rob says the top one is a boy and the bottom is a girl.  They are both 6-7AA embryos (top grade!) yeah! 

 

The above photo makes me PUPO!  Can you see the little embryo's in my uterus?  Little blobs on the far left!  This is the closest I have ever been to pregnant.  Please stick little babies!

XOXO!!!

 

 

 

Finally, Egg Retrieval!

Today went well as expected!  Let me start by saying that this cycle has been completely different.  Less shots, less dosages and less days.  My Estrodiol levels were much lower than the last cancelled cycle.  I think I barely got to 3,000 at retrieval and last cycle was over 10,000. 

This morning was early.  We got up at 4am to start our almost 2 hour drive and I was nervous.  When we arrived, they were ready for us and my favorite nurse was taking care of me.  Tiffany.  I love her.  She was the only nurse that consoled me when my last cycle was cancelled. 

Everything went fast.  I was given an IV with yummy cocktails and before I knew it, I was back in the recovery chair.  It was over.  They retrieved 22 eggs!!!  Thank you ovaries for being so cooperative.

When I got in the car, Rob said "we are making 22 babies!" WOAH!  That's plenty of follicles.

When I got home, I slept most of the day.  I was exhausted from the medications. 

Tomorrow I will learn the fertilization rate.  Come on big numbers!  Tomorrow also starts the day of progesterone shots with the big needle in the butt.  YOUCH! 

Stay tuned for tomorrow's report!

Monday, I will be PUPO!  Gosh, that sounds incredible. 

Nathaniel

Meet Nathaniel Merrell!  He's is 15 months old and full of joy!  He is the happiest baby and melts my heart. 

I don't usually play with black and white but I thought I would give it a try.

Enjoy!

This photo is my favorite!  I finally caught him looking and smiling!  So sweet.

Jonathan

Meet Jonathan Fernandez.  He is my favorite friend in Ottumwa.  He loves to visit the Held residents and play with Carson and Nelly (fur-babies) and he usually finds a few of Peyton's (dss) toys. 

Jonathan is not shy and he LOVES the camera!

New Hobby!

Hey folks.

I'm still here.  Just waiting.  Again.  Yep.  A couple of updates regarding IVF...  I met with my RE and he said he wants to wait for CD1 (which is any day now) to start BCP and he will decide 1of 2 different protocols.  I'd love to go into detail about the differences between the 2 protocols but it's boring.  Now, onto my new hobby!

I purchased a new camera, a Canon Rebel T3i and have been very busy taking photography classes, learning the basics and I even entered my first photography contest!

The local photo shop in town hosts a monthly contest.  The June contest was Pretty in Pink so I thought, 'Oh yeah, I'm in!' and guess what?!?!  I WON!  This was a real boost in my photographer confidence and all I can say is...  I needed this win.  It feels great to finally get some good news.

My name will be announced on the radio and my photo will be in 11x14 size & hung in the store for the entire month of July!  Cool!

Here she is, my little confidence booster.  Meet baby Isabella.  Xoxo

Cancelled = Broken

I am broken.  I never even got a chance.  My RE cancelled the retrieval and I am devastated.  My Estrodiol levels were almost 10,000 so when I answered the phone and it was my doctor instead of the nurse, I knew it wasn't happening.  I don't understand it.  My body has always responded well to medications and I thought that was a good thing???  Not this time.  All the time, sticks and needles and all the hopes and dreams are shattered before they even began.

I shouldn't have allowed myself to get excited.  How could I have been so naive??? 

It's not fair and I am hurting. 

We've hit a speed bump

Hello friends,

The weekend wedding in MN was a great way to keep my mind busy and off of IVF.  It's been a rough couple of days but I wanted to update you...

Yesterday, I had a blood draw...  They called me in the evening and said not to stim anymore because my Estrodiol was 3,000 and they wanted to see me in the morning for another draw.  I returned for my morning scan and draw this morning and shortly after I arrived to work, they called with new results...  Not so good news...  My Estrodiol level has gone through the roof and is 6,568 which is a scary dangerous range.  I asked the nurse what happens if my Estrodiol doesn't go down and she replied "we cannot do the retrieval."  I was a little shocked, I never thought NO RETRIEVAL was ever an option.  I am a little devastated.  I thought the only devastation would be a BFN pregnancy test...  Well, another lesson learned the hard way. 

My boss says "if your levels can increase that fast, they can certainly decrease just as quickly."  I know she has watched her parents struggle with cancer for too many years and I know she is right but I am still expecting the worst.

My friend Emily says "remember there ARE two outcomes."  I appreciate the kind words and right now, I really need prayers.

Right now, I am on a HIGH sodium diet.  The salt helps soak up the excessive fluid in my ovaries and is supposed to help to avoid OHSS.  OHSS is Ovarian Hyperstimmulation Syndrome which can be VERY scary and hinder fertility permanently. 

Thanks for the prayers friends,
Candice

Stimmy Stimmerson

Wake up little follies!  After my ultrasound/scan on Thursday last week, my estrodial was too low so I was instructed to cut my Lupron in half so my follicles could wake up when I started stimulating yesterday.  I surely feel like they are waking up today, lots of O pains.  Yay!

Here is a photo of all my medications.  Yikes!  I love the Follistim Pen!  I was able to poke myself this morning because it's a mini needle and super easy to use.  Sorry Rob, 1 less stab for you. 

I cannot believe my transfer is next week.  After my transfer, I will be in the dreadful two week wait and I have been instructed to take it easy.  No working out for 1-2 weeks but I can walk 1 week post transfer.

I'm in a wedding this weekend back home, I am very much looking forward to it.  It will keep me busy and of course I enjoy seeing my friends and family.  Monday (Memorial Day) should be my last scan (ALREADY)?!?!  And we should schedule the retrieval and transfer.  Woah! 

Have a wonderful holiday weekend everyone. 

A Wonderful Visit

I always enjoy family visits.  Period.  This weekend, my husband's mom and her husband came to visit.  We had such a wonderful time and it was the best way to keep our minds off of IVF.  As soon as our family arrived, we took them to the John Deere factory where Rob works.  After the tour we enjoyed the Tulip Festival in Pella IA.  Pella is a Dutch community and the Tulip festival celebrates Dutch traditions.  We decided early on that if we were to embrace the traditions, a creme filled bismark was necessary!  It was delicious.  Here is a photo of my mother and father in-law on a Pella tour. 

Unfortunately, I had to work on Saturday but my husband kept me posted on the fun I was missing.  Here is a photo of Nancy and Bob dressed in front of the American Gothic House in Eldon IA.  Aren't they adorable?  I could have died when my husband showed me this photo.

After work, we made a nice dinner and for desert had Dutch Letters and made s'mores on a bonfire underneath the Supermoon. 

Sunday morning we took a 2 minute break from our family to focus on IVF.  It felt great to start the antibiotics finally!

Sunday we decided to bare the storms that were surrounding Ottumwa and golf 18 holes!  Thankfully we had golf carts!  Here is a photo of Nancy and Bob enjoying the great weather!  Thankfully, the storms missed us!

And a photo of my sweet husband and me also enjoying the day.

 It wasn't all glam, we DID actually golf 18 holes.  Well?  We spent most of our day searching for our balls in the deep brush and sand traps. 

This morning was a sad goodbye.  My mother in-law is known to get emotional while leaving us and today was that kind of morning.  I hate saying goodbye to her and I cannot wait to see her again.  

Waiting...

This IVF stuff is a lot of waiting.  1 week on BCP and I don't even start Lupron till next week.  I have been trying to keep myself busy.  I had planned to start de-weeding my gardens over the weekend but it has been very rainy and cold so my little projects have transpired inside.

I created a photo wall shortly after we moved in, I love it.  I finally have a place to display family photos in an artistic way.  My latest color edition is teal.  I purchased teal spray paint from Menards and sprayed some old frames and finally added the frames to my photo wall.  What do you think?!

I love to entertain and this photo wall is a nice conversation piece for our guests.  I've planned to fill up the entire wall over time.  I cannot wait to add to our 'family' photo wall, I just need to be patient and keep Waiting...

NIAW - National Infertility Awareness Week

Infertility refers to an inability to conceive after having regular unprotected sex. Infertility can also refer to the biological inability of an individual to contribute to conception, or to a female who cannot carry a pregnancy to full term. In many countries infertility refers to a couple that has failed to conceive after 12 months of regular sexual intercourse without the use of contraception.

Chances of conceiving within one year In Europe, North America and much of the world approximately 85% of couples will conceive within one year if they have regular unprotected sex. Averages in the UK are as follows (National Health Service):

20% will conceive within one month

70% will conceive within six months

85% will conceive within 12 months

90% will conceive within 18 months

95% will conceive within 24 months

Infertility has humbled me.  I am a completely different person today than I was 4 years ago...  Before all the surgeries, OPKs, negative HPTs, preseed, tears, Fertilitea, advice, more tears!  I have to admit that the above statistics are kind of painful.  The statistics are another reminder that my husband and I are not living among the "normal" couples TTC.  The above statistics open doors for people to ask questions: "How long have you been married... 4 years?  Oh, why don't you have children of your own?" My response?  I usually just kindly say: "we are trying, just hasn't happened yet."

For me, Infertility is a test.  I am reminded daily that my husband and I do not fit into the above statistics but I like to think that I am learning daily life lessons and feel like infertility has changed me for the better.  Afterall, life is full of challenges, it's how you respond to them that makes a difference in your life.

Ode to AF

This is my very first post, I'm not really sure how to put 3 years of TTC feelings into 1 post so I will try to spread it out through our first IVF experience.

I couldn't be more excited to start my period.  It means I can finally get this show on the road!  I will be starting BCP CD1 for 21 days (I think) although I will get my actual IVF schedule on Tuesday after our IVF class.  My husband, Rob and I are secretly excited to learn about the injectable medications.  Every time the nurses say the word, NEEDLE, my husband looks at me with these creepy/loving eyes as if he's saying: "that's right, I'm gonna get you!" 

Alright, let's get something straight, I don't exactly feel excited about the shots BUT, I am excited about the prospects the shots bring.  8-10 Juicy follicles that will become sweet little embryos and finally a little baby Held.